Today I got to thinking about me – who I am, what experiences have affected me in my life, how others may or may not experience me, whether I appreciated different people, and all sorts of thoughtful thoughts.

I continue to look back at my life to see how different things affected me, which may or may not be a good thing to be doing. But as I get older and reflect on the people I’ve known over the years and how I’ve related to them, I see how things have affected me and created the person I am. Who my friends were. How I saw myself. Thoughts I had. Things I can look back on and see that I misinterpreted. How past job experiences affected me personally and professionally, and have affected how I perceive myself personally and professionally (but moreso professionally).

It’s times like this when I think about different people and wonder if I should reach out to them and tell them how their friendship was appreciated, or how much I enjoyed the time we spent together (sounds like I’m talking about someone I’m dating, but it’s more like a classmates and friendship thing) and probably hadn’t mentioned it to them in the past.

Part of me wonders what others do see when they look at me, or what my actions and behaviours are interpreted as by others. Do they see an insecure, slightly closed-off person, or do they see someone with confidence and a friendly nature? I’ve been told I hide my insecurities well, and that I seem to be a strong, confident woman when I’m meeting new people. But there are little things in my head that really make me wonder just how strange people see me as. Am I as weird to them as I seem to be myself?

This probably sounds really cryptic, and I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for in writing this… maybe I hoped by typing this it would become clearer in my head and make more sense or something.

And so far that hasn’t happened.

Advertisements